Tag Archives: William Hartnell

Dear Doctor Who: Please Kill Clara

Dear Doctor Who: Please Kill Clara

It’s not about you, Peter Calpadi.  You’re an awesome Doctor.  You’re funny like Tom Baker and cranky like William Hartnell.  Of all the new series Doctors, you’re my fav, even surpassing David Tenant.

That said, your choice of companions suck. Clara started off well as your predecessor’s “Impossible Girl.”  As soon as she became Earthbound and started teaching at that school, things fell apart.  There’s one thing your writer and director, Steven Moffat, simply doesn’t get:  You are the most interesting character on the show.  Period.  Companions come and go.  You are the mainstay.  You are the reason I watch.  In last year’s anniversary show, you found out that your home planet Gallefrey was not destroyed.  Cool, I thought.  Next season’s story arc will deal with the Doctor trying to find his home planet!  That will be awesome.

But no.

Earlier this season, Clara travels back in time to see you asleep as a child.  Awesome!  The Doctor as a kid!  The Doctor going to school!  The Doctor had parents!

But no.

What does StevenwanktardMoffat do instead?  He gives Clara a boyfriend.  Because that’s what all young women need, apparently.  Instead of just focusing on her saving you, and helping you save the universe, Moffat had to throw in a dude.  Now their troubled relationship is too often the focal point of the show.  This reminds me of the once great “Homeland.”  Remember how fantastic that show once was?  Then, for no discernable reason, the writers decided to focus on Brody’s daughter’s love life.  That was in season two.  As it turns out, the boyfriend accidently killed someone.  And then in season three, the writers decided to create yet another arc about the daughter’s love life.  Lo and behold, they give her another guy that accidently killed someone…


Actually, you don’t really have to kill Clara.  Kill Danny, that simpering, whining loser of a boyfriend.  You’re right to be worried about him not being good enough for Clara. How does this ass-clown greet her after she returns from one of her adventures saving the universe and such?  “You lied to me.  Waaaaaaaa!”  And does he have any interest in exploring all time and space with you?  No.  He doesn’t even understand why Clara would want to, instead of just staying with him to teach at some crappy school.  You offer her life, the universe and everything.  Danny offers her only highly conditional love.

Reminds me of a bit from one of America’s greatest philosophers, Sam Kinison.  He once pondered the likelihood of Jesus being married.  No way, he concluded.  No wife would ever buy the Resurrection story.  Just think about it.  Jesus leaves with twelve other guys on a Thursday and doesn’t come back for three days.  During that time Jesus gets tortured and crucified.  After that, he fights the Angel of Death and goes down to hell to free a bunch of tortured souls.  Meanwhile, Mrs.  Jesus is pacing the floor and continually checking her watch, saying, “I’ve had about enough of this shit.”  Finally, Jesus comes back looking not quite himself.  Mrs. Jesus is like, “And where have you been, Mr. Savior?”

There’s a reason why the writers of the New Testament edited out Mrs. Jesus.  She was a nag and would’ve turned Jesus into a pussywimp.

Is that what you want Clara to become?  Kill Danny.  Okay, you don’t like to kill people.  But you’re the Doctor.  You can arrange it.



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Doctor Who Returns

This is an exciting day for us geeks. Tonight Doctor Who returns after a three month break. (The BBC has this annoying habit of splitting their shows seasons into two, perhaps so they can sell two sets of dvds…) Granted, this has been my least favorite season of the new Doctor Who series. While I like Matt Smith well enough, he tends to mumble, making the increasingly more incomprehensible adventures even harder to follow. All in all the new series of Doctor Who has been quite good, but like other fans of the old series I’m often irritated by all the tales about his companions, as well as the number of episodes that take place in contemporary London. Given the bigger budget the show now enjoys, it would be nice to see more adventures on other planets.
Should you watch tonight’s episode, despite the mumbling? Sure! For my money, Doctor Who still offers the greatest fantasy imaginable. We’re not talking sexual fantasies, despite the ongoing flow of hot young companions. ((Back in the day, I fixated on the 4th and 5th Doctors’ Nyssa (Sarah Sutton), but after plowing through the Jon Pertwee’s Doctor on dvd, one can’t help but admire Jo Grant (Katy Manning), for my money the most compelling of all Doctor Who’s companions.)) The attractive companions are a bit of an enigma, considering the asexual atmosphere of the TARDIS. The origins of this asexuality can certainly be attributed to the fact that Doctor Who at least started out as a children’s show. Plus, the first Doctor, William Hartnell (Arguably the worst Doctor ever. He’s fun to watch just to count the number of lines he flubs. Not surprising, since he once said learning the dialogue was like learning King Lear…) was a crepuscular old man. Then again, this asexuality is quite logical, since the Doctor can regenerate, rendering him nearly immortal. Any sex drive at all would be pretty pointless.
No, it’s not a sex fantasy, it’s the idea of going anywhere in time and space. Even as a kid watching the original series, I never really dreamt about being Doctor Who (likely because of the no sex thing); I just wanted to fly off with him. Who wouldn’t? You could be gone for years exploring other planets and time periods and he could still drop you off a second after you left. You’d never miss a Super Bowl. I haven’t been to a science fiction convention in years, but I bet when the freaks and geeks start discussing Doctor Who, the inevitable question comes up: given all of time, where would you go? When I first started watching Doctor Who 30 years ago, I wondered about that. The signing of the Declaration of Independence, the premier of a Shakespeare play, the Last Supper…I don’t remember. A few weeks ago I posed the question to Katie, my fiancée. While she pondered it, I said that I’d like to go to my grandparents’ weddings. Every big event I could think of either never really happened (like pretty much any story involving Jesus), or would be totally disappointing. How exciting would it be to watch a bunch of guys sign their names? Plus, pre 20th century, everyone you ran into would really, really smell.

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