Tag Archives: Sam Kinison

Dear Doctor Who: Please Kill Clara

It’s not about you, Peter Calpadi.  You’re an awesome Doctor.  You’re funny like Tom Baker and cranky like William Hartnell.  Of all the new series Doctors, you’re my fav, even surpassing David Tenant.

That said, your choice of companions suck. Clara started off well as your predecessor’s “Impossible Girl.”  As soon as she became Earthbound and started teaching at that school, things fell apart.  There’s one thing your writer and director, Steven Moffat, simply doesn’t get:  You are the most interesting character on the show.  Period.  Companions come and go.  You are the mainstay.  You are the reason I watch.  In last year’s anniversary show, you found out that your home planet Gallefrey was not destroyed.  Cool, I thought.  Next season’s story arc will deal with the Doctor trying to find his home planet!  That will be awesome.

But no.

Earlier this season, Clara travels back in time to see you asleep as a child.  Awesome!  The Doctor as a kid!  The Doctor going to school!  The Doctor had parents!

But no.

What does StevenwanktardMoffat do instead?  He gives Clara a boyfriend.  Because that’s what all young women need, apparently.  Instead of just focusing on her saving you, and helping you save the universe, Moffat had to throw in a dude.  Now their troubled relationship is too often the focal point of the show.  This reminds me of the once great “Homeland.”  Remember how fantastic that show once was?  Then, for no discernable reason, the writers decided to focus on Brody’s daughter’s love life.  That was in season two.  As it turns out, the boyfriend accidently killed someone.  And then in season three, the writers decided to create yet another arc about the daughter’s love life.  Lo and behold, they give her another guy that accidently killed someone…

Yawn.

Actually, you don’t really have to kill Clara.  Kill Danny, that simpering, whining loser of a boyfriend.  You’re right to be worried about him not being good enough for Clara. How does this ass-clown greet her after she returns from one of her adventures saving the universe and such?  “You lied to me.  Waaaaaaaa!”  And does he have any interest in exploring all time and space with you?  No.  He doesn’t even understand why Clara would want to, instead of just staying with him to teach at some crappy school.  You offer her life, the universe and everything.  Danny offers her only highly conditional love.

Reminds me of a bit from one of America’s greatest philosophers, Sam Kinison.  He once pondered the likelihood of Jesus being married.  No way, he concluded.  No wife would ever buy the Resurrection story.  Just think about it.  Jesus leaves with twelve other guys on a Thursday and doesn’t come back for three days.  During that time Jesus gets tortured and crucified.  After that, he fights the Angel of Death and goes down to hell to free a bunch of tortured souls.  Meanwhile, Mrs.  Jesus is pacing the floor and continually checking her watch, saying, “I’ve had about enough of this shit.”  Finally, Jesus comes back looking not quite himself.  Mrs. Jesus is like, “And where have you been, Mr. Savior?”

There’s a reason why the writers of the New Testament edited out Mrs. Jesus.  She was a nag and would’ve turned Jesus into a pussywimp.

Is that what you want Clara to become?  Kill Danny.  Okay, you don’t like to kill people.  But you’re the Doctor.  You can arrange it.